I'm BAAAACK!

Holy mother of GOD - I haven't posted a new blog in 2 years. WHAT THE?!?

Things have been busy. Very good, busy. But some things have fallen off the radar and the blog was one of them.

But NOW I would like to start writing again. I'm pretty sure not a soul reads this blog. Maybe once a get a few new posts up I might start plugging it. But mostly, I'd like to start using it as a kind of journal for the things on my mind. Most posts will be actor/theatre-centric, but who knows what else may creep in.

Welcome back, to myself, and here's hoping I can keep it up this time!

I have been reading a fascinating book called Body of Work: Meditations on Morality from the Human Anatomy Lab, by Christine Montross. It is, essentially Christine's journey through the human body and through medical school and her transformation from non-doctor to doctor. Her previous focus prior to medical school was poetry, so her writing and musings lack the cool demeanor I would have expected from a doctor. Instead she sprinkles poetry between her thoughts and writes about her struggle to alter her empathy without forsaking her humanity, as well as the beauty of the human body (literally and viscerally, as many of the observations take place on the dissection table) and what value and qualities a soul contributes to who a person is. She also includes her research about the history of anatomy, which I always find fascinating.

I am in the midst of a chapter entitled "An Unsteady Balance" in which she has begun to work with live patients doing rounds and participating more heavily in the practical side of medicine. One of the biggest struggles for her is learning to dial down her empathy and her feelings in relation to the patient. She notes the delicate balance between being a physician who is removed from empathy, and a physician who no longer has any empathy at all.

As she talked about the ebbing of her empathy, I had a moment of hmmmm. I have been taking some excellent Meisner classes over the past six months and while many things have been discovered and uncovered throughout the process, one of the most difficult challenges for me has been turning inward to discover the minute intricacies of my own emotions: What do I fear? What do I love? What do I hate? And when I am creating a character, how do I tunnel from the information given to me about that person, into my own person and connect the two? What I seek to do is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what Christine had to do. Where she seeks to pull away from the gamut of emotions and reactions, I seek to put them under a microscope and magnify them, discovering their origins and what they mean.

So as I read about Christine in her struggle, I somehow feel very connected to her. We both seek to depart from what is a normal connectedness, and whether you are zooming in or out of focus (so to speak) it is scary to leave the safe zone.

And further, it is an affirmation that while we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, if you combine our journeys we will balance each other out. If with lived in a world with only doctors, the world would be a cooler and distanced place. There must be art to balance the science. It's nice to find one more reason art is vitally important to our humanity.

Process?

I've been pondering the notion of the "process". Every actor apparently has one, and finding your proper process may or may not be the key to your longevity in the business...

And today I think I've come to the startling realization that my own "process" isn't as static as I've always hoped it would be.

I am in rehearsals for BREED WITH ME right now, and looking backward at the past few shows I have been a part of, I think I can safely say that there is no single process which always gets me through. For BREED, I found in the early rehearsals that it was impossible and overwhelming to layer all the various pieces that make up the character all at once, but it was equally as impossible to incorporate one aspect of the character at a time because they are infinitely connected.

So I don't sound like a wiener/lazy ass, let me explain: I am playing the Doll. She is an alien femme-fatale who is searching for the ultimate mate with whom to continue her race. CREEPY! But so awesome. Really. ANYWAY....After much discussion in early readings and tablework, we decided that she is an alien, who essentially terraforms her body into whichever shape is most alluring to her "victims". However, she can't quite drive her new body the way it ought to run, so she moves very awkwardly and arthritically. In addition, her need to breed causes increasing amounts of physical pain which effects every aspect of her. Plus her voice is weirdly dark and a little gravelly...etc, etc. Conceiving of all these at once in rehearsal meant I literally couldn't do anything- my brain was so overloaded that I could accomplish almost nothing. What has resulted as been a process of starting with each of these aspects extremely small, and as I grow more and more into the character, increasing the intensity of these factors. Right now, I feel confident that the result will be right where it ought to be- super sexy/creepy/disturbing/alluring.

But I have to say, this process of integration is a new one for me. I think I am just one of those actors who adapts a new process for every role, and it may take me a few rehearsals to really find a groove with it, but when I find it, I am quite pleased with what results.

Why....

...is it so hard to stay awake at work?

...do some people have such a hard time realizing they are NOT the director, and when they give direction, it is UNWARRENTED and NOT APPRECIATED

...does Starbucks coffee taste so good and cost so much?

...why is there so much bad writing on television? If it's bad, don't produce it. Donate your money to better scripts.

...why is BSG over? I miss it

Hopper Project

Last night I attended a reading of the latest version of WNEPs The (edward) Hopper Project. Got to say, I REALLY enjoyed it. I think it's a clever concept, and it's very well written. Despite a couple of shakey transitions and awkward narratives, the characters are mesmerizing! I feel a little bit in love with most of them. Their struggles are not over-dramatic or understated, they are just right. It belongs to that group of plays whose realism is just right. Though I'm sure Don would kick my ass for saying this- I think it falls somewhere between Our Town and Undermilkwood, minus the poetry and the BOREDOM. RIGHT ON! Can't wait to see how this one turns out. Two thumbs up so far Don and WNEP!

Imagination

I often find myself on a sort of creative roller-coaster. There are times when I am working on 3 or 4 projects at a time and am so thrilled to develop and build on them. Then there are times when I produce nothing. I'll find myself often bored and even if those projects which used to be exciting to me remain unfinished, I am suddenly unmotivated to the nth degree to even look at them, much less attempt to finish them. Right now feel like I am on the upswing of one of latter times. I find my brain is jumpstarting (or at least trying to) back into activity. I've never questioned this cycle of creativity before, I just figured it was part of who I am.

But I think I might have been wrong about that. As I observe this current jumpstarting process, I can clearly see specific sources which are building me back up into a functional state.

The first is LITERATURE. I suddenly start reading again. Madly. All the books I found myself slacking on or even just avoiding, I pick up again, find my place, backtrack if I need to, and hit the pedal to the end. I'm unsure of why the slacking happens in the first place. Especially because I'm very picky about my reading: I'll NEVER read a book that doesn't appeal to me. But nevertheless, as I start back up on my pile of books, I find my brain running a little faster and my dreams getting weirder (the latter is a clear indicator of the state of my imagination). I wonder if I can keep on myself and my reading, if I can't stave off those droughts? Definitely something to keep thinking about.

The second is a lot more subtle, and has more to do with my emotional vulnerability. I find I have been building up a shell around myself (for several personal reasons, but mostly to protect my pride and my self esteem- I know, big dork). As that shell begins to peel away, more thing irritate me, make me tear up, make me angry, get to me, etc... This shell thing is freaking STUPID and CHILDISH, but for whatever reason, it happens to me, and the only time I really notice it is when it is finally dissolving. What makes it dissolve? This time I think its a combination of some huge life changes, some career shifting, and this new class I'm taking. Being forced to be real and naked in front of classmates has followed me outside of class in a really great way. Keeping my defenses in balance is a good thing for me to carry forward and challenge for my next cycle of crazies.

I'm sure I'll start seeing more contributers, but for now, that's my list. We'll see if taking these notes can help me break through this roller coaster and keep my feet moving forward more often than back.

ANOTHER FARE HIKE?

You bet I'm flipping out. I understand that it costs money to operate such en enormous transportation organization, but I fail to understand how year after year after year they manage to dig further and further into debt. I can only assume that the construction/revamping projects they've enacted cost significantly more than projected? Or more things broke down than they thought? Or did the big boys on top just get another raise? No matter the reason, why is it that taxpayers have to cover up for bad budgeting skills?

I want to make sure to be clear- I'm not merely ticked off that I will have to pay AT LEAST an extra $1.50 a day to get to work and double that on days when I've got to ferry around to rehearsals, auditions, etc... But there are also going to be express buses cut, hours of operation shortened, and longer periods between trains and buses. As a result it thrills me to know that now, instead of waiting 45 mins for a Damen bus I know can wait about an hour and a half. AWESOME. When I worked at the Apple Store last year I used to take the blue line to Chicago, where I would have to wait for the Chicago 66 bus. A couple glorious times it was there as I ran up the smelly pee stairs in a frenzy to catch it, but more often, I waited 30 mins to an hour (oh yeah, I was late to work a lot). It's great to know that next time I wait for it, I may be waiting there on that somewhat seedy corner for even longer than ever before. ESPECIALLY at night. Yay safety!

The other complaint I've read about since this announcement is that things will be even more crowded and we may not get seats as often. To those whiney biatches- standing isn't so bad. STOP BRINGING YOUR SUITCASE TO WORK, carry less shit around in your purse (no one person at any given time will be using all the crap ladies stuff into their 25 lb purses) and maybe if you didn't buy so much useless overpriced crap at Macy's your hand wouldn't hurt from holding your shopping bag. Having to stand on the CTA is not the crisis you think it is.

It is more of a crisis than now thousands of residents will have to find new routes to and from work. For those poor souls who have two or three jobs, good luck from the bottom of my heart.

I want to be honest for a second here...The CTA I take most often to get to all my usual locations is all pretty awesome. The brown line smells good and is fairly regular...the Lawrence and Western buses aren't TOO bad. But I feel more outrage at the knowledge that most of the routes that will be cut and shortened are going to happen in the neighborhoods that suffer far worse crime and are occupied by people who work longer and harder jobs than I do.

CTA, if you're going to pull all this crap all over again, do those hardworking folks a favor and make changes to the neighborhood routes that won't be so royally screwed over by your incompetence.